something in the way

"I’m like the flower in the road that nobody noticed blooming. I like that about myself. I never needed permission to blossom and I never was in a rush to prove myself “worthy” to the general public. Instead, I grew step by step, understanding that timing is essential. To those looking on the surface, determined on viewing me in a certain way, I was up to nothing, but in the heart of my soul, I was up to everything. Digging up old wounds and healing. Determining who I was outside of the opinions of others. Consciously, I’ve been on my spiritual journey for over 3 years now, and it is now, that the general public is taking notice. Understand that all things happen on their own accord and at the right time. For a while, people thought they were looking at a stagnant stem. I knew otherwise."
- Brittany Josephina

photo i took in hong kong

//

I've been following or escaping this shitty template of love

And I keep lying to myself in order to find the truth

I keep finding more hurt people

Hurt people hurt people

I'm hurting

People

I give a fuck but also who gives a fuck if I have a happy energy

I am the saddest little girl in the world

So is everyone else

-

I don't know how to hold my feelings

I keep letting them go (un)intentionally

-

I need softness

When I have softness

I don't know how to be

-

I'm so scared of regressing/going back I can't stop i can't ever stop anymore

I feel like I don't decide anything in my life but of course that's not true

Pain is not my default

Sad is not my default

So why does it feel like pain keeps replacing pain

-

Figure out what you need for things to be softer

(If softness is too much right now) (If hardness is hurting)

Find the sounds that fit

Find the people that meet you at where you are

//

listening 2:

if u want to be everything then stop being nothing

im living my life atm.
could work harder at school.
scared that im giving all of myself away to the internet.
thing is, if ppl give enough of a shit about you theres always a trail.
and i don't know if i want that..

i keep needing to be reminded im yung by strangers lol.
[let me know do i still got time to grow?]
i feel sad, mostly about love.

keep deleting + distancing.
everything is temporary.

but i'm not sad sad.
this is a new reality i've been living ever since summer.
it's confusing, i feel like i have a new default being.

i wanna paint more.
i always forget about these mediums.

i wanna do sculpture.
i'm calling it!
i want the curves and freedom of sculpture.
film can take a back seat at the moment.

why aren't people allowed to be confused all the time?

also how do someone get out of the headspace of i want what i can't have? (asking for a friend)
slash i know the answer. its all in ya head. u just gotta force urself out of it. ugh

anyways.. sending anyone who actually reads this blog love via tunes-
we all deserve softer realities than the ones we're living

I WANT TO BE EVERYTHING
DONT MAKE ME CHOOSE
DONT MAKE ME GIVE UP ONE IDENTITY 4 ANOTHER
I WANT TO B EVERYONE I LOVE AND ADMIRE
I WANT TO BE ALL THE WRITING AND VISUALS AND SOUNDS THAT I FIND INTERESTING
I WANT TO BE EVERY NUANCE THAT I CAN B
I DONT MIND IF ALL MY CONTRADICTIONS FIT STRANGELY IN THIS BODY
I WANT TO BE EVERYTHING THAT I WANT TO BE
I WANT 2 B FREE !

REACHING

here is an experimental short i wrote/filmed/created for Channel 4's Random/First Acts project. here is all my softness.



words from REACHING-

i’ve kind of risen from the deep i was buried in before but only hovering

ellie says i’m not like them because i don’t have fun by getting drunk and partying

and i tell her i do get drunk because i do but that’s not why i tell her

i don’t like trying its hard its uncomfortable

so it feels like everyone’s grown up now

i’m still trying to make up for disco days

when i was drifting and they were first kissing

even though i was the one that needed loving the most

reeling from the pain taught to me by the systems i was learning from, hurting from

i find myself disappearing between the gaps of friends who just feel like strangers to me now

everyone is good at everything

and i am just good

do you ever feel so insecure and paranoid that it cripples your insides into a browning apple core?

i am a slump

i am a comfy sofa that looks kind of shabby

i am all the old songs i listened to when i rode on trains a lot

i repeat to myself ‘i am real’ hoping that i can believe myself into existence

i am constantly trying to celebrate myself every day but somehow never really being able to

i want to be everyone’s visceral reminder of what loving yourself looks like

i still live in the blue

feeling everything in between

but never reaching fully

truth

its weird cos I’m not sad which is new

I’m just living my life and feeling normal feelings

conclusion: life fucking sucks and everyone hates you

but you hate everyone too so its kind of fair

--

but u were meant to come into my life and change me

u were supposed to be weird and actually not like the ‘other guys’ and u were supposed to rip me open

and make me more truthful and open 

instead of lying

and i was supposed to read bell hooks at the same time and learn to stop pretending and lying

and i was supposed to go to that discussion group on intimacy and feel fucked up about it after

no way is this all just a coincidence

the universe is teaching me truth and honesty and i accept it am accepting it

i can see that now

i am growing

even if I’m not trying and only feel the growing pains

even if we have the same politix n beliefs

so do a lot of people

I’m not throwing up and thats amazing!

I’m proud of myself and I love you

I’m becoming the person i wanted to be

I’m at CSM

I’m 18 and alive

I’m an adult and my mental illness is behind me for now and thats good enough for me

i’m queer and SO ok

not linear

my days start with one feeling and end in another. i'm scared. i'm excited. and i'm hurting and sometimes i feel like i'm always being held by the past and other times i'm outside of my head and i can see. this is how it's meant to be. it's better this way. life's good. i don't know how i'm supposed to live.


my whole life i've always wanted to be everything simultaneously. i didn't want to have to give up one identity for another.

i live alone now. my room is always messy. i'm in a constant state of confusion.

anxious of commitment. scared to be loved (even though i really want to be loved).

         some tunes:                                                                     

       
                                  



                        

quiet healings we do not talk about

                                              

its a weird time for me. checking out of life seconds at a time . digesting feelings abt my feelings. writing again because i realised i stopped. i think i know why i stopped too. exam season is always like this. i procrastinate until it's too late and suddenly i'm interested in everything but revising. i want to finally read all of marya hornbacher's other books other than 'wasted'. i'm currently finishing off junot diaz's 'the wondrous life of oscar wao'. drinking more green tea than ever except i got lazy and stopped using the leaves and now am going through boxes of twining green tea bags which isn't as good but like i said, i'm lazy. i'm trying to make money too, replying to random gigs on craigslist here and there and they should eventually amount to something. or at least enough. one i signed up for ended up being handing out leaflets at 3am in central london? (i turned that one down). i'm moving out next year.. i hope. mocks in 2 days and i haven't started revising. i should get on that. i'm glad summer's near but i'm scared to lose this life / teenagehood / moment.

sophia

s t r e s s

stress is getting 2 me. do u ever just feel like ur about 2 cry any day now? but u also tell urself constantly that whatever ur about to cry abt isn't worth it and then u kind of don't allow yourself the cry u deserve? lol

all i gotta do is get through this week, finish this goddamn film. figure the rest out.

perfect day

been up in my angst A LOT for the first 10 days of 2016 but today i had such a lovely carefree day. it was so nice, i woke up super early n went to tate modern alone, listened 2 music + walked around central london. and it was rly quiet in the city and rainy but still beautiful. i bought some scissors on the way home and chopped off half my hair (got it all even eventually.. it was messy) and i am feeling my new hair v much (see standard Photo Booth selfie at end of post 4 hair). i just got home from my friends bday dinner and it was super sweet <33 + to end the day i got my first uni offer ahhhh (hopefully not the last tho lol).

not bad 4 a monday

lorna simpson at tate modern today

simryn gill 

I LOVED HER SERIES OF PHOTOG EXPLORING "THE EXOTIC" how ppl in malaysia / east are often called exotic n stuff ('exotic' labels r for fruits not ppl right??) and i smiled so much looking at this whole room of ppl with fruit on their heads damn.

had a weird AM this morning before i properly woke up but maybe cos after i said 2 myself/texted my friend this morning, it was okay:

tbh been a weird few weeks. but I'm good now. giving space to both myself and others. loving in new ways. loving myself first (which is important).

thing i wrote in late november/early december?? about recovery, excerpt from something that went a bit like this:

'i am feeding myself, regaining balance and all the qualities i deeply love about my being'

feeling this idea a lot right now too, just for different reasons.

ya girl n her new DIY hair

rupi kaur's poetry is healing. everyone go read her work on her instagram @rupikaur_

finally gonna leave y'all with this poem. its been my favourite for a while. i relate to a lot of it and it breaks my heart every time i listen to/watch it. carrying this spirit into 2016.

"One day I plan to love so loudly, my body abandons every demon harvesting me."

love always,

sophia

(i deleted my insta temporarily. and sula collective is on hiatus this month btw)