REACHING

here is an experimental short i wrote/filmed/created for Channel 4's Random/First Acts project. here is all my softness.



words from REACHING-

i’ve kind of risen from the deep i was buried in before but only hovering

ellie says i’m not like them because i don’t have fun by getting drunk and partying

and i tell her i do get drunk because i do but that’s not why i tell her

i don’t like trying its hard its uncomfortable

so it feels like everyone’s grown up now

i’m still trying to make up for disco days

when i was drifting and they were first kissing

even though i was the one that needed loving the most

reeling from the pain taught to me by the systems i was learning from, hurting from

i find myself disappearing between the gaps of friends who just feel like strangers to me now

everyone is good at everything

and i am just good

do you ever feel so insecure and paranoid that it cripples your insides into a browning apple core?

i am a slump

i am a comfy sofa that looks kind of shabby

i am all the old songs i listened to when i rode on trains a lot

i repeat to myself ‘i am real’ hoping that i can believe myself into existence

i am constantly trying to celebrate myself every day but somehow never really being able to

i want to be everyone’s visceral reminder of what loving yourself looks like

i still live in the blue

feeling everything in between

but never reaching fully