Friday, 12 May 2017

soothing

i'm getting better at learning about how to be myself in small small ways.
i've realised how important art is to me, how important making is to me and even the knowledge of knowing i have the capability to create soothes me.

the other day i was thinking about when i don't feel insecure and when i feel happier and most of the times its when i've created something, when i'm happy with what i made or proud of the effort i put into the process.
i've just finished my final piece for my foundation show, finished creating a zine for sula, been running zine workshops for young girls of colour, and doing other side graphic design jobs.

and now i can be slightly more removed from my trauma in the inbetween moments and i can reflect on the past in ways that aren't completely filled with fear and sadness. i feel calm right now even though i've cried so much these past few days (which also makes sense why i feel calm now- processing, crying, giving pain to the earth + the ground and releasing it from my body) and when i was super down rena told me how [i guess i would say 'healing' or 'being ok/being happy' looks like] "u dont know what it looks like for a while not because there won't be a different but cus the little big break throughs will be surprising" + i understaaand it ! and im not so scared which is a lot cos its felt like anxiety has been my default for a while now. :-)

mostly i made this post because i was looking through some photos and i was able to look at them and feel happy. and here are a few. i think theyre all taken in hk or korea



















Monday, 20 February 2017

its good here


i also wrote a few things for latest sula journals on healing here.


Friday, 2 December 2016

something in the way

"I’m like the flower in the road that nobody noticed blooming. I like that about myself. I never needed permission to blossom and I never was in a rush to prove myself “worthy” to the general public. Instead, I grew step by step, understanding that timing is essential. To those looking on the surface, determined on viewing me in a certain way, I was up to nothing, but in the heart of my soul, I was up to everything. Digging up old wounds and healing. Determining who I was outside of the opinions of others. Consciously, I’ve been on my spiritual journey for over 3 years now, and it is now, that the general public is taking notice. Understand that all things happen on their own accord and at the right time. For a while, people thought they were looking at a stagnant stem. I knew otherwise."
- Brittany Josephina

photo i took in hong kong


//

I've been following or escaping this shitty template of love

And I keep lying to myself in order to find the truth

I keep finding more hurt people
Hurt people hurt people
I'm hurting
People

I give a fuck but also who gives a fuck if I have a happy energy
I am the saddest little girl in the world
So is everyone else

-

I don't know how to hold my feelings
I keep letting them go (un)intentionally

-

I need softness
When I have softness
I don't know how to be

-

I'm so scared of regressing/going back I can't stop i can't ever stop anymore

I feel like I don't decide anything in my life but of course that's not true

Pain is not my default
Sad is not my default
So why does it feel like pain keeps replacing pain

-

Figure out what you need for things to be softer
(If softness is too much right now) (If hardness is hurting)

Find the sounds that fit
Find the people that meet you at where you are

//

listening 2: