truth

its weird cos I’m not sad which is new

I’m just living my life and feeling normal feelings

conclusion: life fucking sucks and everyone hates you

but you hate everyone too so its kind of fair

--

but u were meant to come into my life and change me

u were supposed to be weird and actually not like the ‘other guys’ and u were supposed to rip me open

and make me more truthful and open 

instead of lying

and i was supposed to read bell hooks at the same time and learn to stop pretending and lying

and i was supposed to go to that discussion group on intimacy and feel fucked up about it after

no way is this all just a coincidence

the universe is teaching me truth and honesty and i accept it am accepting it

i can see that now

i am growing

even if I’m not trying and only feel the growing pains

even if we have the same politix n beliefs

so do a lot of people

I’m not throwing up and thats amazing!

I’m proud of myself and I love you

I’m becoming the person i wanted to be

I’m at CSM

I’m 18 and alive

I’m an adult and my mental illness is behind me for now and thats good enough for me

i’m queer and SO ok

not linear

my days start with one feeling and end in another. i'm scared. i'm excited. and i'm hurting and sometimes i feel like i'm always being held by the past and other times i'm outside of my head and i can see. this is how it's meant to be. it's better this way. life's good. i don't know how i'm supposed to live.


my whole life i've always wanted to be everything simultaneously. i didn't want to have to give up one identity for another.

i live alone now. my room is always messy. i'm in a constant state of confusion.

anxious of commitment. scared to be loved (even though i really want to be loved).

         some tunes:                                                                     

       
                                  



                        

quiet healings we do not talk about

                                              

its a weird time for me. checking out of life seconds at a time . digesting feelings abt my feelings. writing again because i realised i stopped. i think i know why i stopped too. exam season is always like this. i procrastinate until it's too late and suddenly i'm interested in everything but revising. i want to finally read all of marya hornbacher's other books other than 'wasted'. i'm currently finishing off junot diaz's 'the wondrous life of oscar wao'. drinking more green tea than ever except i got lazy and stopped using the leaves and now am going through boxes of twining green tea bags which isn't as good but like i said, i'm lazy. i'm trying to make money too, replying to random gigs on craigslist here and there and they should eventually amount to something. or at least enough. one i signed up for ended up being handing out leaflets at 3am in central london? (i turned that one down). i'm moving out next year.. i hope. mocks in 2 days and i haven't started revising. i should get on that. i'm glad summer's near but i'm scared to lose this life / teenagehood / moment.

sophia