departure from

i remember things in different shapes

i really like the word departure

its beginning to feel better these days and everything is settling in a good way

for my art, i am starting to have ideas that form in my head viscerally and powerfully , i deas that make sense and feel right. im motivated and less scared than ive been feeling since i started uni which is a really nice place 2 beee

i love things and people that remind me that life is exciting and interesting and real and new and changing

i think its why i like art

i like that i am in the midst of a new thing that feels like it could become something

its not like i am watching it begin again, but im in it and its different

its strange because its new and hey im always scared but im trying to leave that behind me now

i wanna look after myself i wanna listen to my body  i want to respond to what its trying to scream at me all the time and what i continue to ignore 

and to seriously acknowledge that i am in pain a lot of the time recently

and to change my life accordingly where possible and over time

firenze lai

koji aono

frm the eclipse a while ago but still < 3

under a big tree

all the cigarettes we smoked blew away
i still remember them
the paths we made through our neighbourhoods on the phone to each other
i don't know how to get over you so i sit in memory and look for answers i need in hindsight
i crawl under remembering and it pushes against my body
that's all i can do

i'm choking in my sleep
i'm dancing with my tears
i don't have a shadow anymore
and i can't ask you what you're thinking

u said we were in control , we could choose everything
maybe i try too hard to understand
days simmer and we ran out of time like i feared
you walked away and i'm trying to run

our spaces get reduced to places
you can't find the place for us to fall back into and i want to ask where it went but the feeling comes before the words and the question disappears back into my body

i look up at the trees instead now
i wish i could stay under a tree forever with the branches and leaves above and around me , protecting me
loss is in my lineage. it just feels harder this time

soothing

i'm getting better at learning about how to be myself in small small ways.
i've realised how important art is to me, how important making is to me and even the knowledge of knowing i have the capability to create soothes me.

the other day i was thinking about when i don't feel insecure and when i feel happier and most of the times its when i've created something, when i'm happy with what i made or proud of the effort i put into the process.
i've just finished my final piece for my foundation show, finished creating a zine for sula, been running zine workshops for young girls of colour, and doing other side graphic design jobs.

and now i can be slightly more removed from my trauma in the inbetween moments and i can reflect on the past in ways that aren't completely filled with fear and sadness. i feel calm right now even though i've cried so much these past few days (which also makes sense why i feel calm now- processing, crying, giving pain to the earth + the ground and releasing it from my body) and when i was super down rena told me how [i guess i would say 'healing' or 'being ok/being happy' looks like] "u dont know what it looks like for a while not because there won't be a different but cus the little big break throughs will be surprising" + i understaaand it ! and im not so scared which is a lot cos its felt like anxiety has been my default for a while now. :-)

mostly i made this post because i was looking through some photos and i was able to look at them and feel happy. and here are a few. i think theyre all taken in hk or korea

its good here

i also wrote a few things for latest sula journals on healing here.

something in the way

"I’m like the flower in the road that nobody noticed blooming. I like that about myself. I never needed permission to blossom and I never was in a rush to prove myself “worthy” to the general public. Instead, I grew step by step, understanding that timing is essential. To those looking on the surface, determined on viewing me in a certain way, I was up to nothing, but in the heart of my soul, I was up to everything. Digging up old wounds and healing. Determining who I was outside of the opinions of others. Consciously, I’ve been on my spiritual journey for over 3 years now, and it is now, that the general public is taking notice. Understand that all things happen on their own accord and at the right time. For a while, people thought they were looking at a stagnant stem. I knew otherwise."
- Brittany Josephina

photo i took in hong kong

//

I've been following or escaping this shitty template of love

And I keep lying to myself in order to find the truth

I keep finding more hurt people

Hurt people hurt people

I'm hurting

People

I give a fuck but also who gives a fuck if I have a happy energy

I am the saddest little girl in the world

So is everyone else

-

I don't know how to hold my feelings

I keep letting them go (un)intentionally

-

I need softness

When I have softness

I don't know how to be

-

I'm so scared of regressing/going back I can't stop i can't ever stop anymore

I feel like I don't decide anything in my life but of course that's not true

Pain is not my default

Sad is not my default

So why does it feel like pain keeps replacing pain

-

Figure out what you need for things to be softer

(If softness is too much right now) (If hardness is hurting)

Find the sounds that fit

Find the people that meet you at where you are

//

listening 2:

if u want to be everything then stop being nothing

im living my life atm.
could work harder at school.
scared that im giving all of myself away to the internet.
thing is, if ppl give enough of a shit about you theres always a trail.
and i don't know if i want that..

i keep needing to be reminded im yung by strangers lol.
[let me know do i still got time to grow?]
i feel sad, mostly about love.

keep deleting + distancing.
everything is temporary.

but i'm not sad sad.
this is a new reality i've been living ever since summer.
it's confusing, i feel like i have a new default being.

i wanna paint more.
i always forget about these mediums.

i wanna do sculpture.
i'm calling it!
i want the curves and freedom of sculpture.
film can take a back seat at the moment.

why aren't people allowed to be confused all the time?

also how do someone get out of the headspace of i want what i can't have? (asking for a friend)
slash i know the answer. its all in ya head. u just gotta force urself out of it. ugh

anyways.. sending anyone who actually reads this blog love via tunes-
we all deserve softer realities than the ones we're living

I WANT TO BE EVERYTHING
DONT MAKE ME CHOOSE
DONT MAKE ME GIVE UP ONE IDENTITY 4 ANOTHER
I WANT TO B EVERYONE I LOVE AND ADMIRE
I WANT TO BE ALL THE WRITING AND VISUALS AND SOUNDS THAT I FIND INTERESTING
I WANT TO BE EVERY NUANCE THAT I CAN B
I DONT MIND IF ALL MY CONTRADICTIONS FIT STRANGELY IN THIS BODY
I WANT TO BE EVERYTHING THAT I WANT TO BE
I WANT 2 B FREE !

REACHING

here is an experimental short i wrote/filmed/created for Channel 4's Random/First Acts project. here is all my softness.



words from REACHING-

i’ve kind of risen from the deep i was buried in before but only hovering

ellie says i’m not like them because i don’t have fun by getting drunk and partying

and i tell her i do get drunk because i do but that’s not why i tell her

i don’t like trying its hard its uncomfortable

so it feels like everyone’s grown up now

i’m still trying to make up for disco days

when i was drifting and they were first kissing

even though i was the one that needed loving the most

reeling from the pain taught to me by the systems i was learning from, hurting from

i find myself disappearing between the gaps of friends who just feel like strangers to me now

everyone is good at everything

and i am just good

do you ever feel so insecure and paranoid that it cripples your insides into a browning apple core?

i am a slump

i am a comfy sofa that looks kind of shabby

i am all the old songs i listened to when i rode on trains a lot

i repeat to myself ‘i am real’ hoping that i can believe myself into existence

i am constantly trying to celebrate myself every day but somehow never really being able to

i want to be everyone’s visceral reminder of what loving yourself looks like

i still live in the blue

feeling everything in between

but never reaching fully

truth

its weird cos I’m not sad which is new

I’m just living my life and feeling normal feelings

conclusion: life fucking sucks and everyone hates you

but you hate everyone too so its kind of fair

--

but u were meant to come into my life and change me

u were supposed to be weird and actually not like the ‘other guys’ and u were supposed to rip me open

and make me more truthful and open 

instead of lying

and i was supposed to read bell hooks at the same time and learn to stop pretending and lying

and i was supposed to go to that discussion group on intimacy and feel fucked up about it after

no way is this all just a coincidence

the universe is teaching me truth and honesty and i accept it am accepting it

i can see that now

i am growing

even if I’m not trying and only feel the growing pains

even if we have the same politix n beliefs

so do a lot of people

I’m not throwing up and thats amazing!

I’m proud of myself and I love you

I’m becoming the person i wanted to be

I’m at CSM

I’m 18 and alive

I’m an adult and my mental illness is behind me for now and thats good enough for me

i’m queer and SO ok

not linear

my days start with one feeling and end in another. i'm scared. i'm excited. and i'm hurting and sometimes i feel like i'm always being held by the past and other times i'm outside of my head and i can see. this is how it's meant to be. it's better this way. life's good. i don't know how i'm supposed to live.


my whole life i've always wanted to be everything simultaneously. i didn't want to have to give up one identity for another.

i live alone now. my room is always messy. i'm in a constant state of confusion.

anxious of commitment. scared to be loved (even though i really want to be loved).

         some tunes:                                                                     

       
                                  



                        

quiet healings we do not talk about

                                              

its a weird time for me. checking out of life seconds at a time . digesting feelings abt my feelings. writing again because i realised i stopped. i think i know why i stopped too. exam season is always like this. i procrastinate until it's too late and suddenly i'm interested in everything but revising. i want to finally read all of marya hornbacher's other books other than 'wasted'. i'm currently finishing off junot diaz's 'the wondrous life of oscar wao'. drinking more green tea than ever except i got lazy and stopped using the leaves and now am going through boxes of twining green tea bags which isn't as good but like i said, i'm lazy. i'm trying to make money too, replying to random gigs on craigslist here and there and they should eventually amount to something. or at least enough. one i signed up for ended up being handing out leaflets at 3am in central london? (i turned that one down). i'm moving out next year.. i hope. mocks in 2 days and i haven't started revising. i should get on that. i'm glad summer's near but i'm scared to lose this life / teenagehood / moment.

sophia

s t r e s s

stress is getting 2 me. do u ever just feel like ur about 2 cry any day now? but u also tell urself constantly that whatever ur about to cry abt isn't worth it and then u kind of don't allow yourself the cry u deserve? lol

all i gotta do is get through this week, finish this goddamn film. figure the rest out.

perfect day

been up in my angst A LOT for the first 10 days of 2016 but today i had such a lovely carefree day. it was so nice, i woke up super early n went to tate modern alone, listened 2 music + walked around central london. and it was rly quiet in the city and rainy but still beautiful. i bought some scissors on the way home and chopped off half my hair (got it all even eventually.. it was messy) and i am feeling my new hair v much (see standard Photo Booth selfie at end of post 4 hair). i just got home from my friends bday dinner and it was super sweet <33 + to end the day i got my first uni offer ahhhh (hopefully not the last tho lol).

not bad 4 a monday

lorna simpson at tate modern today

simryn gill 

I LOVED HER SERIES OF PHOTOG EXPLORING "THE EXOTIC" how ppl in malaysia / east are often called exotic n stuff ('exotic' labels r for fruits not ppl right??) and i smiled so much looking at this whole room of ppl with fruit on their heads damn.

had a weird AM this morning before i properly woke up but maybe cos after i said 2 myself/texted my friend this morning, it was okay:

tbh been a weird few weeks. but I'm good now. giving space to both myself and others. loving in new ways. loving myself first (which is important).

thing i wrote in late november/early december?? about recovery, excerpt from something that went a bit like this:

'i am feeding myself, regaining balance and all the qualities i deeply love about my being'

feeling this idea a lot right now too, just for different reasons.

ya girl n her new DIY hair

rupi kaur's poetry is healing. everyone go read her work on her instagram @rupikaur_

finally gonna leave y'all with this poem. its been my favourite for a while. i relate to a lot of it and it breaks my heart every time i listen to/watch it. carrying this spirit into 2016.

"One day I plan to love so loudly, my body abandons every demon harvesting me."

love always,

sophia

(i deleted my insta temporarily. and sula collective is on hiatus this month btw)

wasting away half term days watching twin peaks

on half term/mid semester break and i have all these things/essays/tasks looming over my head but instead i've spent the first week doing fuck all, watching netflix, and occasionally making mediocre art.

i started watching twin peaks again(idk why i ever stopped?) and its the perfect time for it. the colours, the reds, the soundtrack/music, the softness is EVERYTHING

obsessed with josie packard omg babe *a lil ode 2 her thru stills*

POWAH SUIT

 literal scream

 ...IS THIS...

...NOT ME...

...THOUGH???

 MY BB AUDREY HORNE (those pink and reds tho)

 *when u try to stop smoking but then twin peaks comes along and goes all lana del rey romanticisation on u*

i love the constant references that david lynch makes about dreams and visions. s2 is very trippy and weird but wonderful.

also i've been writing A LOT. they're getting me somewhere.. i don't know where yet but yeah, somewhere. and they're mostly a weird in between of prose, poetry and note taking. i need to take more photographs. but first i gotta get my shit together for uni applications tbh

sophia

pic i took in switzerland last month

p.s. SULA COLLECTIVE (that I co-run) IS LOOKING FOR ART + WRITING SUBMISSIONS FROM PEOPLE OF COLOUR FOR NOVEMBER'S ISSUE. 

THEME IS: MENTAL HEALTH

below is the call 4 subs poster, go to sulacollective.com for more info

sept/oct mood board

p self explanatory. visuals from the internet i'm feeling atm + a few words i've written.

instagram.com/zszophia
sulacollective.com

been a while

i'm writing on here so that probs means i need to get my priorities straight cos i have loads of work to do and everything else is going 2 shit rip

uni apps and other school stuff is making me crumble. the only subject i like atm is art. its fucked up how the process of learning within skls/institutions is so devoid from emotion. english classes suck now cos i hate / don't understand / have nothing meaningful to say abt or take from shakespeare and all i want to do is write for hours about my feelings and other shit i need to word vomit onto paper. i don't have the mental strength to write about how "menacing" hamlet is thx. i keep smoking in the day and lying on my bedroom floor at night. (smoking @ night too tbh + listening to lana/cocorosie/beach house/lianne.. will make a playlist soon oh and a mood board 2 procrastinate ofc ill post everything here)

im so tired of everything too. feels like im constantly drifting through spaces i don't belong it, losing myself in all of this mess. just want to be in the warmth of QTPOC / ppl who i don't need to justify + explain myself to.

i know its literally just been summer but omg i need a holiday so i can renew my energy and read books and going back to feeling normal // okay. skl is toxic and draining ..... 2 weeks till half term thank god


other things --

finishing up this short film i made over the summer : a short documentary abt east asian girlz living in london ! im proud of myself for making it + will def share it once its done.

ALSO me + 2 other QPOC started this online mag for and by people of color called 'Sula Collective'. it launched in Sept and we post once a day different art, writing, essays etc by beautiful POC around the world.  you can check out the site here: sulacollective.com


x
Sophia

p.s. omg 2 rolls of my 4 rolls of film didn't take so i lost like 60 pix :'-(


instagram: zszophia
tumblr: decolonizedluv / soholiu
twitter: azngorl
email: zszophia@gmail.com

melting

watercolours from a while ago

sooo i finally finished my exams a few weeks ago + then some stressful/gross/traumatising things were happening @ school and it basically consumed me until now /// thankfully i only have 2 days left and i'll be on holidays. i'm just gonna spend my july being creative and reading lots. someone was talking abt how reading is such a large part of liberation (makes sense tbh). so just want to be constantly educating myself, learning more and making art. wanna go through rolls and rolls of film + experiment more w/ photo processes, also planning to do collab stuff w/ other art bebes [hmu if yr in london/uk and wanna do art stuff together/model 4 me]. n will be filming a project i'm doing on east asian girlzzzz in london!! otherwise i just want to be free from stress and just love myself for a while cos i need it. i feel so drained, so tired of everything. its super hot these days and my window is always open now, wind flowing through. i feel like i'm melting away w/ everything else in the city but seeing old friends and just being w/ people who really support my truth + get me is so nice and good for the soul. been feeling a lot of things nonstop so i'm trying to breathe now, lie on the grass, usual summer things...


i'm too tired to add lots of links but here are some interesting or important things 2 check out:

• Darkmatter spoken word/ slam poetry on youTube. their work abt colonialism, trans identity, queer identity, politics etc. is so on point, saw them perform @ goldsmiths uni and was blown away
• Shura's music. i'm rly into her songs atm and the video for 'touch' is !!!
• Lianne la havas's new music. her music videos are also simple but so beautiful. excited for the album
• "Colonialism was not just about colonising whiteness, but about colonising the gender binary model." - interview w/ Laverne Cox in the Guardian
• been going through the queer films on netflix. i would recommend if ur desperate/bored but honestly all of them are SO bad. (apart from the classics like 'but I'm a cheerleader') they all have really sad endings or the age gap is reaaally big
• just finished 'feminism is for everybody' - bell hooks (its p accessible to read but also substantial), other things i'm currently reading-- 'zami' - audre lorde. 'women who run with the wolves' - clarissa pinkola estes. 'colonialism/postcolonialism' - ania loomba
• Adult magazine's panel on consent, rape, sexual assault, rape culture (TW)
• Sensei Aishitemasu's youTube channel. her YT desc says "your woke big sister". been watching her videos since december ish. she has taught me more abt race issues, anti-blackness, police brutality etc than school ever could. although lots of her videos are really long, i never notice it tbh

photo i took of emma 2 months ago