departure from

i remember things in different shapes

i really like the word departure

its beginning to feel better these days and everything is settling in a good way

for my art, i am starting to have ideas that form in my head viscerally and powerfully , i deas that make sense and feel right. im motivated and less scared than ive been feeling since i started uni which is a really nice place 2 beee

i love things and people that remind me that life is exciting and interesting and real and new and changing

i think its why i like art

i like that i am in the midst of a new thing that feels like it could become something

its not like i am watching it begin again, but im in it and its different

its strange because its new and hey im always scared but im trying to leave that behind me now

i wanna look after myself i wanna listen to my body  i want to respond to what its trying to scream at me all the time and what i continue to ignore 

and to seriously acknowledge that i am in pain a lot of the time recently

and to change my life accordingly where possible and over time

firenze lai

koji aono

frm the eclipse a while ago but still < 3

under a big tree

all the cigarettes we smoked blew away
i still remember them
the paths we made through our neighbourhoods on the phone to each other
i don't know how to get over you so i sit in memory and look for answers i need in hindsight
i crawl under remembering and it pushes against my body
that's all i can do

i'm choking in my sleep
i'm dancing with my tears
i don't have a shadow anymore
and i can't ask you what you're thinking

u said we were in control , we could choose everything
maybe i try too hard to understand
days simmer and we ran out of time like i feared
you walked away and i'm trying to run

our spaces get reduced to places
you can't find the place for us to fall back into and i want to ask where it went but the feeling comes before the words and the question disappears back into my body

i look up at the trees instead now
i wish i could stay under a tree forever with the branches and leaves above and around me , protecting me
loss is in my lineage. it just feels harder this time

soothing

i'm getting better at learning about how to be myself in small small ways.
i've realised how important art is to me, how important making is to me and even the knowledge of knowing i have the capability to create soothes me.

the other day i was thinking about when i don't feel insecure and when i feel happier and most of the times its when i've created something, when i'm happy with what i made or proud of the effort i put into the process.
i've just finished my final piece for my foundation show, finished creating a zine for sula, been running zine workshops for young girls of colour, and doing other side graphic design jobs.

and now i can be slightly more removed from my trauma in the inbetween moments and i can reflect on the past in ways that aren't completely filled with fear and sadness. i feel calm right now even though i've cried so much these past few days (which also makes sense why i feel calm now- processing, crying, giving pain to the earth + the ground and releasing it from my body) and when i was super down rena told me how [i guess i would say 'healing' or 'being ok/being happy' looks like] "u dont know what it looks like for a while not because there won't be a different but cus the little big break throughs will be surprising" + i understaaand it ! and im not so scared which is a lot cos its felt like anxiety has been my default for a while now. :-)

mostly i made this post because i was looking through some photos and i was able to look at them and feel happy. and here are a few. i think theyre all taken in hk or korea